Where I Belong

To be 100% honest, I really don’t have much to write about tonight. I’ve really been a mess lately, uninspired, and not at all motivated. But since I’m the kind of person that has to go through with everything I set my heart on doing, I will give you some song lyrics that have been really digging into my thoughts lately.

“Where the weak are finally strong

Where the righteous right the wrongs

Still looking for a home

In a world where I belong

Feels like we're just waiting, waiting

While our hearts are just breaking, breaking

Feels like we've been fighting against the tide”

                                                  -Switchfoot, ‘Where I Belong’

Everywhere I go, every crowd I walk into, every room I enter, I keep getting this aching feeling that I just don’t belong. That’s what we all want, right? Everyone is just trying to find a crowd they fit into, a place they belong, people they belong with. Everyone just wants to feel like they’re right where they should be. And I don’t know where I should be.

But I hear these lyrics, and I realize there’s never going to be a place where I belong. The longer I keep trying to find that place here, the more my heart is just going to keep breaking.

“Running hard for the other side

The world that I’ve always been denied

Running hard for the infinite

With the tears of the saints and hypocrites

Oh blood of black and white and gray

Death and life and night and day

One by one by one

We let our rivers run

I am restless, I am restless

I am restless, looking for you

I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore

Looking for you”

-Switchfoot, ‘Restless’

I’m tired of looking. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of standing on the edge looking in, constantly wondering what else I can do to just feel like a part of something.

“My lungs and I were born to fight

Sometimes I'm not sure what I'm fighting for

But death ain't the only end in sight

Cause this ain't a battle it's a lifelong war

My heartbeat, my oxygen

My banner, my home

My freedom, my song

Your hope is the anthem of my soul”

-Switchfoot, ‘Hope is the Anthem’

Hope is my home.
I will never find a place of belonging on this earth, and neither will you. Sure, we can find temporary fixes. We can find places and people that fill some of the emptiness we all feel. But it just won’t ever be enough. So, hope is my home.

 For the rest of my life, I will struggle to find that place. But words can’t express how much I can’t wait to be home with my savior. I can’t wait to finally get to that place where I belong when I reach the end of my life.

For now, hope is my home. I belong to the hope that there’s a place much greater than this. I belong to the hope that one day I’ll meet Jesus face to face. I belong to the hope that I do belong somewhere, just not here. I belong to the One who created me.

“But now thus says the Lord,

He who created you, O Jacob,

He who formed you, O Israel:

‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.’”
-Isaiah 43:1

A Gift Fit for a King

“Glory comes to Him when we depend on Him rather than try to enrich Him. If we come to Him with gifts—as though He needed something—then we put Him in the position of a needy person, and we're the benefactors. He always wants to be the one who is infinitely self-sufficient. Therefore, the only gifts that we can bring Jesus are gifts of praise, thanks, longing, and neediness.”

–John Piper

Christmas time means Christmas music—which means I’m allowed to listen to one of my favorite songs in the world on repeat: The Little Drummer Boy.

No, I’m not a drummer, but I’ve always felt what this song describes…that volleyball was my way of honoring God. For as long as I’ve been playing volleyball, I’ve treated it as a gift that I could give to God. Honestly, I never really felt like I had anything else even worthy of giving to Him.

This is one of the reasons why not being able to play volleyball has been difficult to come to terms with. It not only feels like I’ve lost a huge part of who I am, but also that I’ve lost all I had to give to God.

But this song makes me realize those feelings and thoughts are entirely misplaced.

The truth is that nothing I have, or say, or do, not even playing volleyball, is really a fit gift for a King. The Little Drummer Boy in the song knew this. But yet, he gave his best. He did all he could. He offered the only gift he could think of giving, but it was his heart and the fact that he wanted to praise and thank God in whatever way he could—that was his true gift for the King.

Now I’m in the midst of trying to figure out my future, my career, and a lot of other big decisions. I keep thinking that I want to choose the option that is most honoring to God. Which in the end, makes it even harder to decide because I don’t want to make the wrong move.

But all along I’ve been missing the point.

It really doesn’t matter what I choose or what I do, what matters is where my heart is.

I could’ve been the worst volleyball player in the world, but if my heart was in the right place, it would’ve honored God.

Remembering this makes these decisions I have to make a little bit easier. Maybe there isn’t a wrong decision if I’m doing it with the best intentions to serve God.

The truth is I’m writing this blog more for myself… to remind myself that volleyball was never really a gift to God. Sure, it was a talent He gave me, but He didn’t ever want that talent back—He wanted my heart. Volleyball was just a way to show God where my heart was at.

I’m still constantly having to remind myself that my worth to God was never about what I could give. Honestly, it’s hard when the way of the world seems so much different…It is always about what we give, what we have, our success, our talents, etc.

But I think Christmas is a time to remember that God sent Jesus into the world, knowing we could never repay Him…knowing that we’re broken and flawed…knowing that no matter how hard people try sometimes, we will never be good enough.

God sent Jesus to this earth knowing that He would eventually be crucified without any cause. That’s what gives us worth. We’re made worthy by the grace of God, through the sacrifice of Christ.

I pray this Christmas that you would feel worthy…not because of anything you do or say. Not because of your job, or your sport. Not because of your money or success. But because a baby boy was born, lived a holy life, and died on a cross so that you could live.

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.” –Ephesians 2:1-8

Always Welcomed

            The other day, a good friend of mine brought up a concern that I think many of us have probably felt at one point or another in our own walks with Christ. She’s someone that has been through so many different things in her life, and is now trying to get into God’s Word and get back to focusing on Him. However, she said when she did sit down and try to simply spend time with God, she couldn’t help but feel like He was unhappy with her for not focusing more on Him.

            I think so often we feel ashamed and even disappointed in ourselves, and that leads us to believe that God is unhappy with is. But really, God celebrates even the tiniest of steps we make towards Him. It reminds me of the story of the lost son in Luke 15. No matter how much time the son spent away from his father, or how much he messed up, the father celebrated and threw a feast immediately upon his return. Even if we’ve been messing up, turning our backs on God, and not pursuing Him like we should, God still celebrates when we return our focus to Him.

“The son said to his father, "'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is now alive again; he was lost and now is found.’” –Luke 15:21-24

When we come back to Christ, He celebrates. When we’ve been lost, and by the grace of God can make our way back to Him, He celebrates. Even though in our sin we feel guilt and shame away from God, there is no reason to feel that shame when we return to Him. God isn’t shaming us when out of nowhere we dig into His Word. He isn’t saying it’s pointless. He isn’t scolding us for our past. I believe that instead He is celebrating that one of His children has returned to His Word. Don’t let shame, guilt, or feelings of unworthiness ever keep you from returning home to God’s embrace. God loves as you are, and wants you as you are—no matter how much you’ve distanced yourself from Him, ignored Him, or turned away from Him. We are always welcomed back into the arms of Christ.

“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.” –Ephesians 2:13

From the Interruptions

The end of Genesis tells the story of how Joseph was sold as a slave by his own brothers. But with God on his side, Joseph ended up in Egypt under Potiphar where he started to become very successful. However, it wasn’t long before Joseph encountered trouble once again when he was sent to prison for something he didn’t do. Even so, Genesis 39 says that God was still with Joseph in prison. It was from there that Joseph began interpreting dreams which ended up being what got him out of prison over two years later when Pharaoh needed someone to interpret one of his own dreams. Joseph was called out of prison to interpret the dream, and upon doing so he not only was released, but also placed in a position of authority over all of Egypt. (Genesis 37, 39-41)

I can only imagine how Joseph was feeling in prison...I know if it was me, I probably wouldn’t have a whole lot of faith or hope left. Especially after being betrayed by his own family, Joseph probably didn’t feel like too many things were going right in his life. But it was in prison, and from prison that Joseph was used by God. If Joseph hadn’t been in prison when he was, he may have never gotten the chance to begin interpreting those dreams and would have never had such a huge impact on Egypt.

Oftentimes in life, our human judgment and interpretation convinces us that things aren’t going right. If something comes up and gets in the way of our plans, we get stressed, confused, afraid, angry and/or bitter because that was never the way things were supposed to go. I readily admit I’ve felt like this many times before. But my reaction should be the opposite.

Joseph’s plans were interrupted multiple times, but yet lead him right to the place where God wanted him.

Maybe your own plans have been interrupted because God is trying to use you.

Maybe it is those moments when nothing seems to be going right, that everything is right on track.

Maybe it is prison, rock bottom, or the lowest of the lows where God is calling you now, so that He can use you for something greater later.

It is verses like Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 3:5-6, and Romans 8:28 that we all cling to. We hear the words that God has a plan for us, and we feel comfort and hope in the words that He is working everything out for our good. But when push comes to shove, we throw those words out the window as soon as life is interrupted.

Life is incredibly short, and out of every single human being to ever walk the planet, God has a very specific purpose and plan for your life, whether you like it or not.

Ultimately, you don’t have the choice of what God’s plan is for your life…You only have the choice of either accepting it and doing something about it, or denying it, becoming bitter, and possibly wasting your life. 

“It will be very interesting one day to follow the pattern of our life as it is spread out like a beautiful tapestry. As long as we live here we see only the reverse side of the weaving, and very often the pattern, with its threads running wildly, doesn't seem to make sense. Someday, however, we shall understand.

In looking back over the years we can discover how a red thread goes through the pattern of our life: The Will of God.” ― Maria Augusta von Trapp