After the Waiting

The following blog is one I wrote and originally posted at the very beginning of this year. Waiting and wondering is something I struggled with for a very long time. I wanted to know that God actually had an answer for the trouble I was facing. And, I didn't want to go through the aching of waiting. What I didn't see back then, however, is that one day there would be a time that comes after the waiting. 

As I read through this blog now, I can't help but feel so grateful for the months of waiting and wondering I went through. It completely broke me down and crushed my spirit, at first. But then it led me to a place of complete faith in God's plan. It led me to a place where I was able to jump all in to what God was doing in my life, instead of tentatively getting my toes wet. This is not to say the process wasn't painful. It was incredibly difficult. Not many people actually enjoy waiting. 

But don't be discouraged by the silence of God or the quietness of the empty waiting room you're sitting in. Even though it may seem pointless, there is purpose in the waiting... 

There is something about the silence of God that seems like an answer louder than any other answer. You sit in that waiting room, desperately awaiting a ‘yes’ in some shape or form. This waiting room may be one of the greatest challenges you will ever face. The answer from God may be the second greatest challenge you will ever face. It’s the anticipation, expectation, and the waiting that tests and builds your faith in a deliberately uncomfortable manner.

Is it possible that sometimes the answer we’re waiting for, is the waiting itself? Is God’s answer a simple silence?

Because as I sit in this waiting room, sending up my prayers and my tears, I keep hearing a resounding silence. But I’ve always believed with the most fervent faith that God HAS to answer prayers. That is who He is—Our Father, the Most High, the One True God, who yet hears our gentle whispers, our shouts, our cries, all of our prayers—and answers. 

“Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.” –Isaiah 65:24

“Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and He will say: Here am I.” –Isaiah 58:9

Yet if God answers when we call, why is it that all I seem to keep hearing is silence? I’m still in this waiting room. I’m still hearing silence. But if God always answers, then maybe I missed the answer. Or, maybe He just hasn’t answered me yet. Or quite possibly, maybe the answer is just silence. 

Sometimes, it seems like a simple ‘no’ would be a better answer than the waiting. Waiting is hard. Being patient, and trusting God’s timing in the silence, quite honestly is one of the greatest challenges I’ve faced in my faith. 

I don’t want silence—I want a set in stone answer.

Yet, God answers…

Silence and waiting. 

It’s as if God is gently saying, 

“Just wait, you’re not quite ready yet.” 

Because maybe if He is saying that, then right now is the chance for me to grow, to lean on Him, and to prepare myself for whatever is in store for me. 

The simple truth is we don’t know when God will answer. We don’t know how He’ll answer. But we do know He will answer, and whenever He does answer, we have to be prepared. 

Because what if that answer is “to go?” What if that answer is a yes and we’ve been sitting around just waiting for God to say it? 

Don’t waste the times of waiting. Don’t ignore the silences. 

I can’t say for sure, because God speaks differently to different people. However, I know in my own life that the times of silence and waiting have been huge periods of growth in my life. When it’s all said and done, maybe it was in that growth, that God answered. 

So as you sit in the waiting room, don't doubt what God is doing. Instead, let the waiting room break you down, and get rid of everything that causes you to doubt and to fear. Let it build your faith, let it build your trust, and let it prepare you for whatever work God is going to do in your life next." 

Light

“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me be night,’

even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.”

-Psalm 139:11-12

Of course you didn’t ask for this pain

This sickness

This hurt

This battle

Of course you struggle to face it

This disease

This shame

This war

But remember who I Am

I Am the light

I Am the Good Shepherd

I Am your healer

I never promised you ease

But I did promise this:

I Am your God

I Am a solid rock

I Am your shield

I have felt your pain

I have felt your sorrows

I feel your pain

I feel your sorrows

I walked through the darkest valley for you

I overcame it with light

You may not see me now

But I Am present

I Am here

I Am yours

Of course you didn’t ask for this

Of course you don’t want to face it

But darkness is as light in me,
It won’t stay dark forever.

Enjoy the Moment

Although summer has quickly reached its end, this next coming month, week, or even year is HUGE for so many people. Many of my friends are beginning their senior years of college. Some people are transferring to new schools, or starting college for the first time. Some people are getting married this year and starting families. Some are starting out at new jobs. And I am beginning my very first year as a teacher.

As different stories end, other stories begin and unfold in a crazy, but exciting journey. Getting my classroom ready and all the other little things ready for teaching has been so much more work than I had ever imagined. But it has also been so much fun for me. Not because I absolutely love doing all the little things I have to get done, but because this is a new story I have been waiting for my whole life.

Two of the things I have always been most certain about are volleyball and teaching. Even in elementary school, all I ever wanted to do was become a teacher. It’s been a passion that God has so clearly placed in my heart.

But now with hundreds of things to do, it’s been so easy to stress out, to worry, and to allow all this work to really feel like work. However, today I was reminded that I have to enjoy the moment. Even though I may have many first days of school ahead of me, I’ll never have another first year teaching. I’ll never have another first group of students. Honestly, I’ll probably never be as clueless and curious about teaching as I am right now. So I have to enjoy the moment.

A year ago, I never would have imagined that I would be where I am right now. It still almost doesn’t seem real. I feel too young. I feel unqualified. I feel inexperienced. But I also feel the joy, grace, and loving guidance of God directing my feet in each and every moment with this experience. I have so many great people supporting me, encouraging me, and willing to pick me up when I need it. There’s no reason not to enjoy the moment.

I really don’t mean to just write about myself, but I’m so excited to finally start teaching this week that I really can’t help it. My apologies! But I would like to encourage you, however, to enjoy the moment.

 Maybe it isn’t a season of joy in your life right now, and that’s okay. Embrace it and grow. But if you’re in a season of change, or new things, if you’re in a season of curiosity, or if you’re in a season that may be coming to an end soon, I encourage you to enjoy the moment. Life moves way too fast to stress out about the little things. Enjoy the moment!!

“Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot.” –Ecclesiastes 5:18

A Mustard Seed in Tragedy

“I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul” 

-Even If, by MercyMe

It’s one thing to have faith in God. It’s another thing to have faith in what God can do. And yet, it’s another thing to have faith when God chooses not to do what He can do. 

Faith isn’t just about believing in God, or believing that He can move mountains. Faith is believing in God and still believing that God can move mountains even when He doesn’t. 

I’ve seen God move mountains, and in those moments its simple to have faith in what God can do.

 But, I’ve also seen heartbroken people begging and praying for God to move, but their situation doesn’t change, or it worsens. I’ve seen families torn apart, tragedies strike over and over again, stories of shootings and bombings on the news…It is those moments when it seems as if God hasn’t moved, that our faith starts to shake. It is those moments when we wonder what good is our faith if bad things still happen.

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” –Hebrews 11:1

Not only is faith confidence in the things that we hope for, but faith is assurance about the unseen. This means that when we don't see or understand the things that God does, it's our faith that has to lead us to confidence in God's power, in His goodness, and in His plan. I honestly cringe and ache a little inside as I write those words. Not because I don't mean it and believe it, but because no matter how hard I try, I can never understand the depth of pain that other people go through when tragedy strikes. And because for me when hurricanes erupt in my life, I know that my faith has been shaken to the core and my assurance turns into doubting and painful questions.

In those moments it’s hard to see or understand what God is doing, or even what God isn’t doing, will you still have faith? Will you still be confident in God’s power? Will you still have faith in what God can do? Will you be sure of who God is and what His plan is, despite how you feel about it?

I'm one of those people that doesn't really know how to comfort people when they're hurting. This is probably because I oftentimes get irritated when people try to understand the way that I'm feeling. Just like how no one can truly get inside someone's head and understand all their thoughts and feelings, we can't understand how tragedy and struggle are a part of God's plan. But they are. And this rings true throughout Scripture, and through the death of Christ on the cross. The most righteous man to ever walk the earth was killed unfairly in the most gruesome way you could imagine, but that pain was a part of God's good plan--because just a few days later Jesus rose and was alive again. 

But what is going to get you through those few days when the darkness is still surrounding you? What hope are you going to hold onto while you wait for your circumstances to change?

One of my favorite stories in Scripture is when Abraham was asked by God to sacrifice his own son. No questions asked, Abraham sets off with Isaac the very next morning to do what God asked him to do. I can’t imagine that Abraham could even fathom why God was asking him to do this, but having faith in what God could do, Abraham continued on. Abraham went as far as tying his son up to the altar, and taking out his knife to kill him. But then, God moved.

Abraham probably had absolutely no idea what God was doing, but he had faith anyways. 

I don’t like not knowing. I question why God allows certain things to happen. I wonder why God chooses not to act when He does. I question God’s timing. My faith is far too small. 

But I want to be like Abraham. I want to be a Christ-follower who has faith that God will act, even in uncertainty. I want to be someone who believes that God can move mountains, even when He doesn’t. I want to be someone who doesn’t have to know or understand what God is doing…Then, even when I don’t know— I want to be someone that clings to faith and assurance in who God is even in the unseen.

I've read, seen, and heard of a lot of tragedy these last few weeks. Wildfires are burning and creating chaos in houses burning down and property being destroyed. Families are getting heartbreaking diagnoses of cancer and disease. People are losing loved ones suddenly and desperately trying to cope with what they don't understand. 

As you read this, if you find yourself in a position of hurt and wondering what God is doing through those painful circumstances in your life, I won't try to understand how you are feeling. Instead, I want to remind you that even if your faith is as small as it has ever been, cling to it and let God carry you through the storm. 

Have the faith of Abraham when you can, but when you can’t find that kind of great faith within you, try to find even just a mustard seed of faith. 

Stop trying to figure out the why, the why not, and the how come…even if it’s just for a moment. Because understanding the hand of God is something we will never come to terms with until we meet Him face-to-face.

Instead, just rest in His promises and hold on to that mustard seed of faith. Find assurance in the truth of God’s goodness, even when what is going on in the world around you and in your life doesn’t seem good. Hold onto the hope that the time between Christ's death and resurrection didn't last forever.

The smallest faith can move mountains, and you never know when it will.

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
 -Matthew 17:20 

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 
-2 Corinthians 4:17-18