In the corner of the house sits a calendar that hasn’t changed. It just hangs there….October 2023. I stare blankly at it, but the thought of changing it to the right month and year never once crosses my mind. So, the calendar just sits in that dark little corner, never changing because the passing of time ignites unwelcomed feelings.
Every time I walk by that calendar, I can’t help but think my dad actually saw that month. Because every day before October 13th, 2023, my dad was there. He was here. He really could have been standing right there, looking at that same calendar page.
But now, the days, weeks, and months pass…all those unflipped calendar pages are days that I lived without my dad. It’s a strange feeling. There’s such a clear boundary line between before and after. I still don’t know what to call that boundary day. It stings every time I have to try and decide what to actually say. Oftentimes, it’s just ‘that day.’
‘That day’ now seems so long ago, but the pain comes in waves as fresh and as deep as that first day. The phenomenon of time healing our wounds after grief is strange. Sure, time helps… but on the other hand, every single day that passes is one day further away from those last moments. I constantly find myself counting the number of days, weeks, and months that have passed. Now, a year has passed. I can’t quite grasp it....A year has passed.. Once again, the phenomenon of time strikes… It was the longest year of my life but also somehow the fastest. The past couple of months leading up to one year have brought on more feelings, familiar to the first days after losing my dad. Once again, shock. Once again, disbelief. Once again, scrambled thoughts. Brain fog. Helplessness. Fear. Brokenness. Desperateness.
All that’s left to do is look up. Look up in faith, more grateful than ever that our God is a God who saves. He gives life. He raises the dead to life. He’s made a way for us to live eternally in His presence. I can hardly worship anymore without tears flooding my eyes. Every time, I think about my dad worshiping the King on His throne in heaven. Oh, what a year he’s had in the presence of the King. Although, I’m sure there are no days, months, or years to be counted.
There are probably no calendars up there either. Yet, I’m left here… still staring at our unchanged calendar.
Truthfully, I’m not sure I’m quite ready to turn that calendar page yet. So, it will stay there yet a little longer…October 13th, 2023. I miss you, Dad.