The Calendar That Doesn't Change

In the corner of the house sits a calendar that hasn’t changed. It just hangs there….October 2023. I stare blankly at it, but the thought of changing it to the right month and year never once crosses my mind. So, the calendar just sits in that dark little corner, never changing because the passing of time ignites unwelcomed feelings.

Every time I walk by that calendar, I can’t help but think my dad actually saw that month. Because every day before October 13th, 2023, my dad was there. He was here. He really could have been standing right there, looking at that same calendar page.

But now, the days, weeks, and months pass…all those unflipped calendar pages are days that I lived without my dad. It’s a strange feeling. There’s such a clear boundary line between before and after. I still don’t know what to call that boundary day. It stings every time I have to try and decide what to actually say. Oftentimes, it’s just ‘that day.’

‘That day’ now seems so long ago, but the pain comes in waves as fresh and as deep as that first day. The phenomenon of time healing our wounds after grief is strange. Sure, time helps… but on the other hand, every single day that passes is one day further away from those last moments. I constantly find myself counting the number of days, weeks, and months that have passed. Now, a year has passed. I can’t quite grasp it....A year has passed.. Once again, the phenomenon of time strikes… It was the longest year of my life but also somehow the fastest. The past couple of months leading up to one year have brought on more feelings, familiar to the first days after losing my dad. Once again, shock. Once again, disbelief. Once again, scrambled thoughts. Brain fog. Helplessness. Fear. Brokenness. Desperateness.

All that’s left to do is look up. Look up in faith, more grateful than ever that our God is a God who saves. He gives life. He raises the dead to life. He’s made a way for us to live eternally in His presence. I can hardly worship anymore without tears flooding my eyes. Every time, I think about my dad worshiping the King on His throne in heaven. Oh, what a year he’s had in the presence of the King. Although, I’m sure there are no days, months, or years to be counted.

There are probably no calendars up there either. Yet, I’m left here… still staring at our unchanged calendar. 

Truthfully, I’m not sure I’m quite ready to turn that calendar page yet. So, it will stay there yet a little longer…October 13th, 2023. I miss you, Dad. 

Grief Knows No Limits

There are no boundary lines.

No pretty white fences to either contain it or keep it out.

No cages to keep it locked up and hidden.

At each and every turn, it finds a way to be present. 

When just for a second you thought it was giving you a break,

It’s still there, lurking behind the scenes.

A pain that’s so unexplainable, yet demands to be understood.

Grief makes the rules, but then doesn’t follow them. 

Grief knows no limits. 

It finds a way into the happy spaces, just to remind you what you’re missing. 

It slips into the stillness, sometimes peacefully, and sometimes with crippling force.

The places that once felt safe and whole, now feel unnerving and empty.

You listen and listen to all the advice of those just trying to help.

One minute it makes sense, but the next it leaves you cringing.

At times anger races through every inch of your veins.

When you think for a moment you can keep it together,

Your thoughts are flooded and the grief takes over.

Grief knows no limits.

It’s always there with perfect attendance; Grief never leaves.

It somehow finds a way to beat you to your own future,

Painting even your dreams of what could be with a blanket of sadness.

Time moves recklessly fast, 

Leaving your heart trampled as it races right over you. 

Another day, week, month goes by without them.

All you wish for is the day before losing them,

The day before you knew this pain. 

But grief knows no limits.

Sometimes it gives you a warning.

Other times it lurks behind the scenes and takes your breath away.

It takes up so much space that your mind can hardly function. 

Its job is never done.

It’s with you when the sun rises;

It’s with you when the sun goes down.

Sometimes it even shows up when you finally fall asleep,

In both dreams and nightmares alike. 

Grief knows no limits.

As you desperately try to gather and hold onto every memory, 

The fear of forgetting taunts you.

The life you once knew is but a memory.

The person you once were vanishes.

Grief is so incredibly complex and constantly changing.

It’s a variety of emotions tangled into one.

As you grasp to connect to this new reality,

Everything around you has changed in some way, shape, or form. 

Grief knows no limits.

Your friendships and relationships feel different.

Your job feels different.

Your passions feel different.

Even everyday mundane tasks feel different.

Your world is different.

Yet, you see the world around you moving on as if nothing has changed.

You’re desperate for something to feel normal again.

Nothing is normal. 

Grief knows no limits.

It continues to dance its way through every part of your life.

There’s no place that it doesn’t reach.

Escaping it is impossible.

Grief is now a crucial part of who you are.

Not a day goes by without experiencing it in some way.

But in an odd way, there is a sense of comfort in carrying this grief.

Because to grieve, in this new life, feels like the closest thing you have to loving the one you grieve.

We grieve, because we love… and love knows no limits.