I'm Still Worthy

For those that know me and have been following my blog, you most definitely know that over the last year and a half I’ve been fighting an ongoing battle with a destroyed left knee…literally, I often feel like it is hanging on by a small thread.

Many of my blogs last semester and the semester before were based on my injury and all the battles that came along with it. Recently, however, I haven’t written much about my knee situation because I’m not quite sure I have fully processed it. I also keep thinking that everyone and their mother is probably sick of hearing about how messed up my knee is (trust me, so am I).

To make a very long story short, I have now had 4 surgeries on the same knee in less than 2 years. I’ve had to make the tough decision to discontinue playing volleyball, after already sitting out two seasons in a row. I’ve become as used to pain as I think I can get. I have numbness and nerve issues down my entire leg now. I’ve spent more time at physical therapy, exercising, and rehabbing all in the attempt to get back to the court, only to realize in doing so I was damaging my knee even more. I’m still rehabbing just to try to get back to my normal activities, but the aching and pain in my knee never, ever goes away.

I think the biggest reason I haven’t talked about it much in my blogs lately is because a large part of me feels ashamed and selfish for struggling with something that really is minor in the big scheme of things. It seems like I’ve wasted so many tears, so much energy, and so much of myself trying to overcome this…but I just can’t seem to get over it. It frustrates me even more that I can’t let it go.

Something I’ve always “known” is that my identity isn’t in volleyball. Playing sports as a Christian and in that environment, I heard over and over again that there is so much more to life, and so much more to who I am than volleyball. But I never, ever had to face that until I could no longer play.

Now, I have to face that every day, sitting through every single practice. All I think about is how that used to be me on the court, I used to be someone with a purpose. I used to be good at something. I felt valued as an athlete, teammate, and player on the court. But, slowly that feeling of worth and value has gone away the more and more I’ve been sitting out. My spot on the sidelines doesn’t ever feel very important when I know there isn’t even the slightest chance of getting to step onto the court. It might seem silly or exaggerated, but it is difficult to explain just how much of myself was found in the sport of volleyball.

I didn’t realize how much I defined myself by what I could do, until I could no longer do those things.

Last week, I blogged about how I need to stop keeping track of all the things I do. It makes sense to me know why I’m always so caught up in counting what I do… It’s because I have a tendency to judge, view, and measure my own worth solely by what I can do.

         In complete vulnerability, I will say that it is devastatingly difficult to remember my worth when I’ve measured it by what I could do for so long. Almost my entire life, I’ve felt worthy, important, and like I have a purpose because of volleyball and other sports I’ve played. Now, I’m not a volleyball player anymore. I’m not an athlete anymore. I can’t even climb up the stairs without having to hold the railing to pull myself up sometimes because of pain and weakness in my knee—that doesn’t make me feel very worthy. I feel weak. I feel humiliated often because so many other people have been able to overcome the same injuries and other injuries, but I can’t.

Yet in all that, and all of my other flaws, God sees someone worthy of loving.

         I’ve read The Shack by William P. Young a few times, and yesterday I went to see the movie. I know there are many different articles and opinions on the theology in it, but that is a discussion for another time… I simply want to point out a quote from “Papa” or God in the story that brought me to tears in the theater as I watched the movie. The simple quote was repeated a few times:

 "I'm especially fond of you."

         I know that isn’t a direct quote from Scripture, but it’s based in Scripture. How many references are there in the Bible to how much God loves and adores His children? It’s difficult for me to grasp that love and fondness, because I don’t understand how God could love me. I haven’t done anything to deserve that love. How could the God of the universe be especially fond of me when I can barely even walk up and down one flight of stairs?

         Yet, He does. He did when I could play volleyball, He did during all my failed attempts to get back into playing volleyball, He does now as I sit on the sidelines, and He will forever. It doesn’t matter what I do or what I can’t do, I am loved, and I am worthy to be loved.

         I share all this for a few reasons. One of them is simply because it’s a way to express and see for myself what God is teaching me. Another one is because reaching out to others helps me find purpose in my circumstances. Lastly, I'm sharing this because I know there are so many people in our world who don’t feel worthy.

Maybe as you read this, you’re realizing that you don’t feel worthy of God’s love. Maybe it is because of mistakes that you’ve made that seem unforgivable. It’s because you’ve been living a lifestyle that doesn’t seem very worthy. Maybe you feel like you haven’t done enough to “deserve” God’s love. Maybe someone else has harmed, hurt, or abused you in a way that has made you feel unworthy. Or you feel like you’ve been living your life without a purpose, and therefore aren’t worthy. Maybe it’s because you’ve gone through a season of loss, pain, or immense tragedy…you might think that you must not be worthy of love because somehow God allowed those things to happen to you. Or maybe you’ve been trying so hard to overcome something you’ve been battling with, but you just can’t and that makes you feel unworthy.

There are so many different reasons and circumstances that might cause you to feel unworthy. But those reasons and circumstances don’t stand a chance against the love of God. Our worth isn’t defined by worldly circumstances.

Rather, God has crowned us with glory and honor and given us a purpose (Psalm 8). He has numbered the hairs on our heads and deemed us valuable (Luke 12). He has created us in His own image (Genesis 1). He has engraved us on the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49). He has seen our flawed condition, but made us worthy through the gift of grace (2 Corinthians 5:21). He sent Christ as a sacrifice for us and has given us the gift of eternal life (John 3:16), all because He loved us, loves us, and will always love us just as we are—despite any circumstances.

It has never been about what we do; it has always been about who our God is that makes us worthy just as we are.

I am worthy.

You are worthy.

We are worthy.

We are unconditionally loved.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:16-19