This is just something I wrote, thinking back to how I felt sometimes in my weakest moments. As I look back now, it's amazing to truly see how God speaks in what feels like the darkest of times. I'm not fully recovered and I still have a long journey ahead, but by the grace of God I know I'll make it.
Grace Interrupted
Doing my own thing
Caught up in the world
Thinking I'm good
Next thing I knew
I fell down to my knees... Literally
Stuck on the ground
It seemed like there was no way out
Just when I was starting to see the light
Bad news swept in and broke me down
Darkness again fills my mind
Only one small light kept faking that smile
People say "Be strong"
"You'll be alright"
"It could've been worse"
"You'll get through this in time"
But those words are all tossed aside
By the demon in my mind
Telling me I'm alone
Too broken to be healed
Too messed up to be loved
Too weak to ever be strong
Another sleepless night goes by
Going through the motions again
Day by day
Feeling sicker
Feeling weaker
Still feeling like I got everything I deserved
Constantly trying to keep out those thoughts
But those demons sometimes seem way too strong
I give everything I can to push them away
Just for a moment, so I can breathe and feel safe
But the story doesn't end there
The story didn't even begin there
God's story is speaking
My mind just can't see it
The page starts to turn
And God writes these words
Grace, hope, and love
Safety, peace, and freedom
The words keep on coming
The demon's voice in my mind starts to shake
Finally I'm able to breathe
The chains keeping out any joy
Are breaking
"You have to believe I'm fighting this with you. You have to believe that you really are strong. It's not who you are, it's not anything you've done or can do, you are mine. Stop holding it together and be real. I know that you're hurting, open up to me and I'll heal. Why do you listen to the demons and not me? Wouldn't you rather trust the God of all peace?"
But I tried God
I was doing just fine
I was trusting in you
Why'd you let darkness sneak into my life?
"The darkness didn't sneak into your life. You allowed it to break in and steal your joy. My beloved you took your eyes off of me. And as much as I wanted to refocus your heart, I wanted you to choose me, to choose me above all. Love that isn't free isn't actually love at all. As difficult as it is for you to see, by falling to your knees, you actually were being set free. When you fell, you finally shattered completely. You tried so hard to be good enough all the time, I needed you to fall, so you would finally see. I am good enough. You don't have to be. On your knees in surrender, at your weakest and most broken times, you've never been more beautiful to me."
But God I....
Then Grace interrupted
"Shhhh.... Just listen. See this is what I mean! You think you have to redeem and explain yourself. Stop living as a slave wrapped up in your own chains. Grace has been right here all along, you just simply have to accept that it's yours. I don't want you to speak, I don't want you to run, I don't want you to try, I don't want you to fight, right now I just want you to be still. I will speak, I will run, I will fight. I just want you to be held. Be held in my Grace, in my love, in my freedom. Be held in my protection, in my peace, in my healing. Remember when I said to focus on me? That's all you have to do now. Don't focus on the demons, don't focus on the pain. Focus on the love I have for you, focus on the healing I'm working in your heart. When you focus on the storm, you'll think that I'm gone. But when you focus on the cross, you'll remember this all. There will be a scar, but there was a purpose in it all. When you look at the scar, you'll look back to the cross. You'll see my son Jesus, and the scars that He wears, so you could live this life free, it's the weight of the world that He bears. So don't try to earn grace, don't dwell on your mistakes, I'll carry your shame, your burdens, your sin, now stop holding on and be held and get back to living again."
Wow! That is a good one
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