Thank God for Interrupting

It started out with me 

Doing my own thing 

Caught up in the world

Thinking I'm good 

Next thing I knew 

I fell down to my knees... Literally

Stuck on the ground 

It seemed like there was no way out 

Just when I was starting to see the light 

Bad news swept in and broke me down 

Darkness again fills my mind 

Only one small light kept faking that smile

People say "Be strong" 

"You'll be alright"

"It could've been worse"

"You'll get through this in time"

But those words are all tossed aside

By the demon in my mind

Telling me I'm alone 

Too broken to be healed 

Too messed up to be loved 

Too weak to ever be strong 

Another sleepless night goes by 

Going through the motions again

Day by day 

Feeling sicker 

Feeling weaker 

Still feeling like I got everything I deserved 

Constantly trying to keep out those thoughts 

But those demons sometimes seem way too strong 

I give everything I can to push them away

Just for a moment, so I can breathe and feel safe 

But the story doesn't end there 

The story didn't even begin there

God's story is speaking 

My mind just can't see it 

The page starts to turn 

And God writes these words 

Grace, hope, and love 

Safety, peace, and freedom 

The words keep on coming 

The demon's voice in my mind starts to shake

Finally I'm able to breathe 

The chains keeping out any joy

Are breaking  

"You have to believe I'm fighting this with you. You have to believe that you really are strong. It's not who you are, it's not anything you've done or can do, you are mine. Stop holding it together and be real. I know that you're hurting, open up to me and I'll heal. Why do you listen to the demons and not me? Wouldn't you rather trust the God of all peace?"

But I tried God

I was doing just fine

I was trusting in you

Why'd you let darkness sneak into my life?

"The darkness didn't sneak into your life. You allowed it to break in and steal your joy. My beloved you took your eyes off of me. And as much as I wanted to refocus your heart, I wanted you to choose me, to choose me above all. Love that isn't free isn't actually love at all. As difficult as it is for you to see, by falling to your knees, you actually were being set free. When you fell, you finally shattered completely. You tried so hard to be good enough all the time, I needed you to fall, so you would finally see. I am good enough. You don't have to be. On your knees in surrender, at your weakest and most broken times, you've never been more beautiful to me." 

But God I.... 

Then Grace interrupted

"Shhhh.... Just listen. See this is what I mean! You think you have to redeem and explain yourself. Stop living as a slave wrapped up in your own chains. Grace has been right here all along, you just simply have to accept that it's yours. I don't want you to speak, I don't want you to run, I don't want you to try, I don't want you to fight, right now I just want you to be still. I will speak, I will run, I will fight. I just want you to be held. Be held in my Grace, in my love, in my freedom. Be held in my protection, in my peace, in my healing. Remember when I said to focus on me? That's all you have to do now. Don't focus on the demons, don't focus on the pain. Focus on the love I have for you, focus on the healing I'm working in your heart. When you focus on the storm, you'll think that I'm gone. But when you focus on the cross, you'll remember this all. There will be a scar, but there was a purpose in it all. When you look at the scar, you'll look back to the cross. You'll see my son Jesus, and the scars that He wears, so you could live this life free, it's the weight of the world that He bears. So don't try to earn grace, don't dwell on your mistakes, I'll carry your shame, your burdens, your sin, now stop holding on and be held and get back to living again." 

******

Thank God for interrupting.

If God didn’t step in, I don’t know where I would be

Thank God for stepping in,

For blocking my way,

And for leading me to green pastures, where I can lean on His Grace

Chaos, madness, disaster, or distress,

Do what it takes God to wake me up

I don’t want to live without hearing from You

I don’t want to stray from Your Word and Your truth

So when I do, since I know I will

Please God,

Interrupt all You want.

Wondering and Wandering...Yet Again

I’ve been thinking about what to write about for this blog for the last few days, and I’ve come up with nothing. Life has been so crazy and hectic the last couple weeks, and a lot of things have come up that have brought me back to a very confused state of wondering. I’ve been wondering about some big life decisions and whether or not I need to make some changes that would impact my future in a big way, wondering how I can be a better friend and mend some relationships that I’ve let crumble apart, and wondering about what I’ve been doing with my life lately that is actually furthering God’s Kingdom.

            I’m not just talking about my typical over-thinking, this wondering has been so much deeper. These decisions have just been sitting right at the front of my mind for the last week or so and aren’t going away like I would like them to. As one of the most indecisive people I know, I hate it. I literally cannot even decide what to wear for a day, what I should eat for lunch, or even what pie shake I should order at Shari’s… These seemingly minor decisions turn into fairly tough choices for me that I sometimes contemplate for more than 10 minutes. It is ridiculous, I know.

            The point is these bigger decisions that I have to make are driving me crazy. I know what I’m ‘supposed’ to do… I’m supposed to pray and seek God’s will and trust His plans are better than mine. But its truly difficult to even begin trusting God’s plan when I’ve been in a constant state of wondering lately. I really just don’t know. These thoughts have reminded me of one of the very first blogs I wrote: “Wondering about Wandering.”

 http://aimlesslyanchored.blogspot.com/2015/01/wondering-about-wandering.html

 I went back to that blog and read it again, and man does it hit the spot. Almost two years ago I was in this feeling state; confused and clueless as to what the next step I needed to take was. And now, I’m in the exact same state. I’m 20 years old now, and maybe I’ve finally learned that God is going to bring us to wondering and wandering, A LOT. Maybe the more we wonder, the more we learn to rely on God for answers. And, the more we wander, the more we find God-given opportunities we may not have ever stumbled upon before.

            So as encouragement for myself today and for anyone else who just may be stuck in the muck wondering like I have been, here is a verse that I will be trying to cling to and live by for the next couple weeks as I try and figure out these decisions.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.” –Proverbs 3:5-6

 I really can't lean on my own understanding right now, because my understanding of where I should be going in life is running pretty dry. I need God to direct my path, and more than that, I truly want Him to. But He can’t show me where to go if I’m not open to being confused and having to wonder and wander for awhile until it is His timing to find me and guide me back to where He wants me.

A Desperate Cry

"In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him; into His ears." -Psalm 18:6

Last week there was a moment when I thought I might lose my dad. In my head, not having clarity about what happened and being in a rush when I got a phone call my dad was in a work accident and was being life-flighted, immediately negative thoughts start to flood in... It was all too easy to let those thoughts get the best of me.

While I drove home to meet my mom to head to the ER, my heart was racing and my hands were shaking. My mind was in so many different places. At first, I tried to talk myself out of the panic... I kept telling myself over and over again not to think about all the things that could've really happened to my dad and what state he was in. But of course, that didn't calm me down...

I was still focusing on the situation. Not on who was in control of the situation.

Then, as I was stuck in traffic, beginning to get angry that I couldn't get home to head to the hospital faster, something in my attitude changed... It changed because I felt completely hopeless and there was absolutely nothing I could say or do to change what was going on. So, rather then trying to think more positively about the situation, I stopped thinking about the situation altogether. I stopped thinking about the what ifs and the possibilities and I just started praying out loud through gritted teeth: "Please God, please God, please God" over and over and over again. I don't know how many times I said those two simple words, just over and over again.

Although I was still afraid, the tears began to stop and the shaking subsided. Peace washed over me, and God showed up. I didn't know how my dad was doing, if he was for sure conscious, or what had really even happened at the time, but that fear was put on the back burner when I placed God in front.

It wasn't until I gave my needs up and began focusing on God that my worries very slowly began to fade.

All this to say, it isn't our job to figure out every possible angle of how a situation could play out. Although human instinct typically draws us to do so, placing that fear of the unknown in God's hands is absolutely the only thing that will give you real peace. Calling on God's name in a desperate plea for help is the only thing you can really do sometimes.

This is why Psalms is one of my favorite books in the Bible... It reminds me of the neediness in our human nature. It reminds me that I’m not alone when I feel completely hopeless. In modern culture, neediness and desperateness are frowned upon... But God sees our neediness in a very different way than we do. Where we see it as a weakness or irritating, God sees it as an opportunity for Him to sweep in and fulfill you... Ultimately drawing you closer to Him.

"Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me." -Psalm 142:6

"From the end of the earth I call to You, when my heart is faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." -Psalm 61:2

Don’t ever hold back from letting God hear you cry and letting Him see your need. Every cry is heard.

Humbly allow yourself to be desperate for God, because I can only imagine just how much God desires for you to accept your need for Him.