Beautifully Broken

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." -Ecclesiastes 3:11

God you are and forever will be

The absolute only beautiful part of me

Without you I’m nothing

I’m broken, I’m lost

Only you can restore me

Only you can bring me back into your ‘Bet Av’

I don’t like who I am

Especially without you

Feeling useless and hollow

I’ve run out of breath

From racing to get somewhere

You don’t want me to be

So I try to hide myself away

I’m too afraid to reveal it

That I’m really worn, tired, and feeling aimless

But trapped in my own world

Deceiving thoughts won’t let me escape it

I think anything and everything, to keep me from feeling defeated

But all this time deep in my heart

I’ve always known the real truth

It is the beauty of Grace

The beauty of the cross

The beauty of God

That gives me worth, hope, and freedom

I believe in this hope

I can actually sense it

But there are still a few shattered thoughts,

Wreaking havoc on this hopeful mindset

Even if they aren’t true

These thoughts still trap in the darkness:

“You’re too broken

You’re too flawed

Not to mention all those scars

You’re useless

You’re a mess

And you think God can make something of that?”

When those thoughts break in, God only speaks louder

He tells me the opposite, He shouts away my weaknesses

“You’re never too broken or flawed or a mess

And those scars show something beautiful

They show healing and hope and aliveness”

I see there is hope

 Something better around the corner

I sense a new beginning

So create in me a new heart

Heal my wounds, but leave the scars

I want to remember what it was like to be lost

Reach out your hand

Pick me up out of this place

Open my eyes to your goodness

For I long to see

I’m no longer just broken
I’m beautifully broken, healed, and free

"Darkness is as Light"

“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me be night,’

even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.”

-Psalm 139:11-12

I know you didn’t ask for this.

I know you don’t want to face it.

I know you’re hurting; I hear your cries.

I know you’re struggling to get through this.

But I also know that you know Me.

You know Who I Am.

You know I Am in control.

You know that I’m not leaving.

I could never promise you ease,

Or a pain free, perfect life.

But I can promise to be your God,

To be your solid rock.

Trust me that I’ve felt your pain.

I’ve held your heart, your hand, and your sorrows.

I’ve walked through the depths for you,

So you could see hope for tomorrow.

I know that you can’t see me now.

Maybe you don’t even want to.

But you need me, and I want you,

So let go and let my peace find you.

It doesn’t seem fair; it doesn’t seem right.

And maybe it never will.

But no matter how long you fight this and try to escape,

It doesn’t change the fact that I’m your rock.

I want you to give up the little, pointless things.

I want you to trust better things are coming.

I know you’ve heard it all, I know you know it all,

But I want you to believe it.

Whatever you’re feeling,

Wherever you stand,

No matter how distant you may be,

I Am still your God and rock, that truth will never change.

I promise you if you let this go,

If you give up your fight against me,

I will give you something more,

Everlasting peace, endless hope, and forever freedom.

I know you didn’t ask for this.

I know you still don’t want to face it.

But darkness is as light in me,
It won’t stay dark forever.

He is Fighting for You

Well, here I am exhausted both physically and mentally, sick from pain medications, but yet still sitting in pain. I’m coming off of my 4^th knee surgery since last September and this one is hitting me hard. At first, I thought this one would be easier since I at least knew what to expect, but it is absolutely the opposite. I think it’s because I truly almost have no fight left within me. It brings me back to the verse that got me through my first surgery and infection last year…

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” –Exodus 14:14

But the problem is this: If I stop fighting, it means I have to trust that God truly is fighting for me. It also means I have to be okay with however He chooses to direct my life.

Maybe I’ve been fighting so long for something, that wasn’t meant to be…

I’ll be honest, this is the struggle that has been breaking my heart. I love volleyball. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am now. I’ve spent countless hours of time playing volleyball, and prioritizing it over a lot of other things in my life… But maybe this is God’s way of showing me it is time to stop fighting for something that He doesn’t want for me. It is one of the scariest thoughts that has been sitting in the back of my mind for the last month. I honestly still have no answer. I desperately want to believe that volleyball isn’t over for me, especially since I haven’t even been able to play over the last two years. However, I also desperately want to go where God leads me, and that is what I need to start fighting for.

If you read my blog last week, you may remember that I wrote a little bit about the story of Jonah. And there’s another very simple and straightforward lesson from Jonah that I didn’t mention: Don’t run away from the direction God is leading you.

Right now, God is leading me down a path that I truly don’t really want to go down. But, I think that I’ve been fighting against it for so long that I’m completely worn out now. Running away from what God has for you can be exhausting; because God will win in the end one way or another.

Tonight, I am asking two things of my faithful blog followers:

1)    The first is for prayer. I have a lot on my mind, a long recovery ahead, and lot of big decisions to make. I really have no idea what God wants me to do with this road block He’s placed in my life, so prayers for that would be awesome. Thank you in advance!

2)    The second is that you would do some soul searching in your own life and determine if there is something you’ve been fighting so hard for that maybe God wants you to let go. If there is, I can’t promise you ease, I can’t promise you answers, and I can’t promise that you will like where God is leading you. But I can promise this, and this is what I will be holding onto this week as well: God is with you, He is near, and no matter what it is that you are facing, God is fighting for you.

The Only Way

One of my favorite stories in Scripture is the story of Jonah, yet every time I read it, I take away a different meaning (Almost 2 years ago when I studied this story, this is what stood out then: ("When God Says Go"). When I read the story this time, it wasn't Jonah that stood out to me or the fact that he literally got swallowed by a whale and somehow managed to live... it was the actions of the other men on the boat that caught my attention. 

The men on the boat were desperately looking for a way to calm the storm down. The very first thing they do is cry out to their own gods, whatever/whoever they were (vs5). But the storm only gets worse from there.

So my question for you is this:

As the storms in your own life approach, what 'god' do you turn to? 

Because that could make all the difference in how you will face that storm. 

The guys on the boat were looking for other ways to get through the storm. They prayed to their own gods. They started throwing cargo overboard. They cast lots. They tried rowing back to land. Nothing worked... until they finally turned to God to save them.

It was the one true God that they turned to last. 

How often do we do that in our lives? We try everything we can to solve our problems and get through the storm on our own, and it's God that we turn to last. 

When the men on the boat turned to Jonah's God, they found their resolution and the storm immediately died down. 

 “So they picked up Jonah and hurled him into the sea, and the sea ceased from its raging. Then the men feared the Lord exceedingly, and they offered a sacrifice to the Lord and made vows.”

Jonah 1:15-16 ESV

We have to learn to seek God first in our storms, before we turn to everything and anything else. Doing so would probably save us a lot of trouble. 

God is not a last resort. He is faithful. And we will never fully experience His faithfulness until we start seeing Him as the ONLY way to get through the storm…Not a possible way, not an option, not a last resort, but the ONLY way.  

“Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

He made the storm be still,

and the waves of the sea were hushed.”

–Psalm 107:28-29