The Fight for Joy

Do you think we have to fight to be joyful?

I think many people would answer this question differently, especially depending on the current circumstances in their lives.

If I were to answer this question for myself, I don't even have to second guess it.

Yes, I have to fight to be joyful.

But it seems so wrong. Doesn't it? From all these articles I read, from Scripture, and from listening to other Christians, sometimes it seems like joy is so simple.

Now I'm not saying that it can't be simple, but I will share some personal things about myself for those people that also feel like sometimes they have to fight for joy.

I'm a perfectionist to the core. I almost always put pressure on myself in whatever I'm doing to do it right. I hate the idea of quitting or giving up. I struggle with anxiety and depression because I overthink and over analyze every little thing. I often struggle to relate and connect with people because of my anxiety. I tend to keep a lot of my feelings to myself, because it just seems easier than the risk of sharing them with other people. I love to be alone, but I also hate it because that's when I get into my head the most. I hate not knowing what comes next or having to make my mind up about big decisions, because I don’t want to make the wrong one. I put so much pressure on myself all the time, but I always end up letting myself down, letting others down, and sometimes I even feel like I’ve let God down. I let my thoughts dictate my mood. My brain truly is one of my worst enemies. I’m in a constant battle to keep my thoughts positive and to just live my life one day at a time. Let me tell you, it is extremely exhausting.

So yes, I have to fight for joy. I have to fight to keep myself from overthinking. I have to fight to think positively. I have to fight to not focus on all the mistakes and things that go wrong. I have to fight to not think about the things that I don't understand. I have to fight to keep my mind off of all of the unknowns. I have to fight to draw near to Jesus in the midst of those negative thoughts and just give them all to Him. I have to fight to be joyful.

I always feel so guilty about this. It seems wrong that a Christ-Follower would ever have to work to find joy. Maybe that's why I also just try to keep a lot of things to myself. But I’m beginning to learn that it’s okay. It’s okay that I’m fighting for joy. It sure beats not fighting for it.

Ever since my latest knee surgery, I made a commitment to stay in the Word and to come to Jesus with all my fears, worries, doubts, and negative feelings. I used to do a devotional in the mornings. Then one day I just stopped. Eventually, I got back into it again but it was just every now or then, or just when I really needed something.

But I realized the most difficult time of the day for me is usually at night, when I try to go to sleep. Why? Because I can never get my brain to shut off and that’s when I tend to panic the most.

A couple weeks ago, I was awake literally almost the entire night. I had just been told by the doctor that it wouldn’t be the best idea to play volleyball again, I was feeling abandoned by certain people I had higher expectations for, I was trying to figure out financial stuff, I was trying to get my classes figured out and how I could graduate, and I was trying to figure out what my next move after graduation would be, never imagining that it would be possible for it to be this soon. So, I did what I do best: started thinking and thinking and thinking. I was just sitting in bed, not even laying because I was so awake. Tears were streaming down my face. I was so caught up in my own thoughts, I was making myself miserable. I started going through old volleyball pictures and thinking about how much play time I’ve missed because of my injuries. I was angry that I wouldn’t get another chance to even play in just one more game. Then, I was upset with myself for being so ungrateful for the things I did have.

As you can see, it was a never ending cycle of negative thoughts. It was literally almost 4:30 in the morning. But I turned my lights on, and opened my Bible. Ever since then, I have made it a point to read Scripture and pray every single night before I go to sleep.

This is how I’m fighting to be joyful. It is amazing how much just a simple Bible verse can immediately refocus my thoughts. Spending this time in God’s Word and in prayer doesn’t stop me from overthinking, but it does help redirect my thoughts. It does help me find a place where I can think but also take a breath and find even just a little bit of joy in those moments.

If joy comes easy for you, then count that as a huge blessing. Because for me, and for others, it doesn’t always come so easy. If joy doesn’t come easy for you, then I promise you that you are not alone. Psalms 42 paints a perfect picture of what it looks like to be fighting for joy. I won’t post the whole chapter on here, but I do encourage you to go read it.  Then, keep fighting…keep hoping… and keep praying because God is seriously right with you, ready to provide you with all the joy He can.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.” –Psalm 42:11